Since winter never really came to my neck of the woods this year, I’ve been able to hike almost every single weekend since New Years. Each week, I pick a new dot on All Trails and hike around 6 miles. It’s been a lifesaver for me. It’s where I find peace and bliss, and so often it’s when I can finally quiet my mind enough to really listen. I listen to the messages that the Universe has for me, and even more, I listen to whatever has been stirring inside me from me that I’ve been ignoring. I’ve had some great conversations on those hikes, sometimes working through some really hard things, coming off the trail just a little bit different than the way I entered. I’ve loved all of it. Until this last weekend…

This last weekend, I went on the hike from hell. Ten steps in I got dive-bombed in the eyeball by a bug, and that should have been my sign to turn back, but no. It’s fine. Shake it off.

A little bit further along, I tweak my foot, and still like any self-respecting Gen-Xer would, I say: “walk it off, it’s fine.” And to my credit, it was soon fine. I didn’t continue to hike another 5+ miles on a hurt foot. I do have that much sense.

From there everything was going pretty smoothly until I started mile four. Oh, mile four…

A friend of mine has described his experiences with what’s called “bonking” during bike rides. They use the term in endurance sports, though most have heard it described simply as “hitting a wall”. I never really knew what it was, and his descriptions never quite did it justice. I know now.

Bonking is incredibly difficult to describe, so I’ll do my best. Hitting a wall? Pfft.. And if you look it up, it basically says your body has run out of stored carbohydrates, and begins to rely on slower fat metabolism to keep functioning. Doesn’t sound horrible. But if you ask me, I’d say the most accurate way to put it is that it feels like you’re dying. It feels like your body has finally given up, and it plans to leave you where you lie without any conversation. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, it just comes out of nowhere. I’m sure there is more to it but that’s how it felt.

I started mile four and went from doing ok, to not being at all ok in a matter of steps. That mile took me a solid hour without exaggeration. I felt like I was dragging concrete slabs for legs. I couldn’t get my heart rate to come down. Couldn’t catch my breath. Every step took everything I had. Every few steps, I stopped and sat to try to regroup. And just for funsies, since there wasn’t enough going on, during one of my sit-downs, I tweaked my shoulder. Love that for me.

I ate the few snacks that by a miracle I had packed that morning (I have never packed snacks before, so let me tell you I believe the Universe had my back), and I am convinced that’s the only reason I made it off that trail.

At one point, when I sat down, I said out loud: “Universe, wtf man? Are we in a fight?” And maybe it was the delirium responding, but a wave rushed over me and told me to just sit and listen for a minute. As if I was going anywhere…

But I understood it. Part of going on this week’s hike was a hope to reconnect with the Universe, as I’ve felt lately like I’m getting in my own way too much. I’m overcomplicating things, and I’ve been having trouble hearing- really hearing. I wanted to find my way back. But even through the first half of the hike, it was all my thoughts running amok up in there. I still wasn’t listening. I guess this was the Universe’s way of getting me to “Sit down and Shut up.”

What I’ve been fighting with recently is this feeling that I’m doing all I can to try to help myself. There are changes I want to see in my life, and I’m working so hard; I’m doing all the things. And yet, it feels like nothing is happening- that I have nothing to show for it. I’m aware that there’s no such thing as “nothing happening.” While I may not be able to see the fruits of my labor yet, it’s all there in the shadows coming together getting ready to burst through like flowers in concrete. However, sometimes you just feel defeated by time. Sometimes, things just feel like they are taking too long, and you sink a little. Despair wiggles its way in a bit and it starts to feel hopeless. We needed to talk. Or rather, the Universe needed to be given some space to talk, and I needed to listen.

So, I sat there with my mouth shut and my mind open, and the Universe just said, “Let it all go, and keep moving forward. The time is going to pass anyway, so make the best of it.”

I realized the true beauty of that statement immediately. The work is done. The seeds have been planted. One day, in what will feel like an instant, my life will just be different because that’s how it happens. I’ve seen it so many times in my own life. Instead of wishing away the great things I currently have, I must appreciate them. There’s no telling how long my life will be like this, and one day I may miss some of it. In fact, it’s very likely that I will because in reality, I do love and appreciate my life as it is for so many reasons. The last thing I want for myself is to walk through the days of my life feeling anything less than joy and gratitude for getting to live it. Is it sunshine and rainbows all the time? Absolutely not. Are there things I’d really like to be different? Of course. But two things can be true at the same time: I can love my life as it is AND still want more for myself. And I do. And I’ll keep working toward those goals and dreams. Because that’s how I roll.

And for now, what that looks like is taking a step back and just being. Trusting that I’ve done enough for now and can rest. There is no more work to do for the moment other than enjoying my life as much as I can under the circumstances I’m living in. That’s it. Between having my head smashed and now this- I’m thinking the message may have finally made it through my thick skull. Better late than never I always say.

That message got me through the rest of the hike as I kept telling myself that I had no choice but to keep moving forward, no matter how long it took. I couldn’t just stop. No one was coming. It was up to me. The time was going to pass anyway, so take one step at a time in the direction I have to go. Then all of a sudden, I’ll be where I want to be.

(In this case, my wonderful, perfect, car that had more food waiting for me.)

I’ve always been one to learn the hard way. Hopefully moving forward, I won’t need so much tough love.

A girl can dream.