I’m on a healing journey like none other I’ve ever experienced right now.

A few weeks ago, I was driving to visit friends and got a migraine so bad that I almost took myself to the hospital. Since I recognized I wasn’t having stroke symptoms, I knew there wasn’t much they could do for me, so I decided against it and just wanted to get to my location. I put my car in park and got out a little disoriented, turned around and slammed my head into a giant metal truck mirror. I didn’t knock myself out amazingly enough, but I took quite a blow to the head- enough to give me a mild concussion and whip lash in my neck. Considering my history, head injuries are at the top of the list of things that terrify me. However, looking back, I can say I’ve never been so happy to have my head smashed. I had no idea the path it would lead me down.

Prior to the injury, I had met a neuromuscular therapist. At the time, I didn’t even really know what that meant, but I mentioned what had happened to me and was told he had a cancellation and to come in to get my neck treated before it got worse. I went, and my life was changed.

Most people have heard that our bodies hold onto trauma, but I’m not sure we realize the degree of this reality. I’ve read the book The Body Keeps the Score, but it still didn’t really register. To me, I’ve done so much work, gone to therapy, done the deep dives, etc. Intellectually, psychologically, I’ve processed all my trauma, shame, pain, all the things, but it became clear very quickly that none of that broke through to my body. Turns out, the focus of this particular neuromuscular therapist is helping rewire the brain’s connection to the body to release the trauma its holding onto.

As he worked on my neck and the bricks that for others are called shoulders, we discussed my migraines and the ways that they have always confused me because they aren’t like anything anyone else has ever described, and my triggers are so random that they don’t make sense. To the point that I’ve even tried to research them, but I’ve never found anything. This is when he said, “you don’t get migraines.” Of course, I immediately got my back up because “yes sir, I do- don’t tell me what I get,” but he followed up quickly with “it’s a nerve impingement.” We discussed what that meant and how it made everything about my migraines make perfect sense, but what followed next was the gamechanger. He said, “you don’t ever have to have another one of those again.”

I started sobbing.

Even now as I type those words, I tear up as I am taken back to the immediate release of years of fear that I had been holding onto. How every time I got a migraine, I was terrified that I was going to have another stroke, that this was going to be the one that ended my life as I knew it. I’d been bracing for impact on top of all the other layers of armor I’d wrapped myself in over the years, and it was finally being broken down.

In the days that followed, the release continued. All of the emotions that I had suppressed over the years started to find their way up and out. I started with anger, a rage I was so unfamiliar with that I felt completely out of control, and I don’t do well with not feeling in control. I know you’re all so surprised by this news.

As I processed it though, I realized that anger made total sense. I never felt safe being angry. I was afraid of my anger because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Having done all the work I’ve done over the years, I now know I can be angry and not hurt anyone. I can be angry and let it pass. It’s safe. I’m safe. And I had to let the anger come through, so that I could find out what the anger was covering. I was not prepared for this. I never imagined the rollercoaster I would end up on, and all I can do is stay on the ride until it comes to a complete stop.

This is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done to date, but I can see that on the other side of this is something amazing. Lightness. A peace I’ve only dreamed of. I get glimpses of it on the peaks in between the valleys, and it’s a beautiful feeling. Worth digging up from the depths for.

I’m relearning what self-love really means. It’s pure acceptance of what was, what is, and what you hope to be including the gaps in between when they don’t quite add up. It’s listening to your heart and seeking the things that bring you joy, even for a moment. But even more, it’s not believing everything your mind tells you because there’s a lot of old stories there that need to be rewritten. Our minds like to fight our growth because we’ve become comfortable in the narratives we replay every day, even when they are cruel and horrible. But somewhere along the line, they don’t align, and we can feel it with every bone in our body. And it’s become clear to me in this experience that our bodies know better.

I know this journey will be a challenging one. I have 40 years of traumas and stories to unearth with very deep roots that don’t want to be pulled. But I’ve come so far in such a short time already, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Every time I go in, I release a little bit more, heal a little bit more, see a little bit more light breaking through the cracks. I imagine myself like the flowers that find a way to grow through the cracks in the concrete and am certain I’ll feel the warmth on my face the same way soon enough.

Oh, and did I mention- I haven’t had a migraine since 😉