I recently took my self-discovery journey one step further from saying “yes” to “taking it back”. I’ve come to realize that it is an amazing thing to say “yes” to opportunities that arise, and even more to say “yes” to learning more about yourself. I have questioned so many statements and beliefs that I have been holding onto for so long. I haven’t let anything remain without a deeper dive into what it really means to me, and while it’s been extremely difficult and heartbreaking at times, I’ve come out on the other end of that a much healthier, happier, stronger person, though the journey continues. I will always be a work in progress.
However, what saying “yes” has taught me more than anything is how to let go. As I am pursuing the next stage and taking my life back into my own hands, I realize there is a great many things I need to let go of. I’ve spoken in the past about forgiveness and acceptance, and the need to let go of things that no longer serve you. That included people, objects, and negativity, which I have been able to do with quite a bit of success. But what I forgot to mention was that it also needs to include those words, thoughts, and behaviors that we have stopped noticing because they happen automatically and so quickly. On my run the other night, the first of what will be many on my own, I listened to the way my steps hit the pavement, paid attention to the way the wind felt on my skin, and how my body responded to the movement. In that moment I was reminded that in order to be the person I really want to be, I have to let go of what I was. I have to look in the mirror with new eyes and let go of the judgment I use to pass to my reflection. I have to let go of the way I stereotype myself and make assumptions about what I can and can’t do without even trying, or what I like and don’t like without giving something new a chance. I have to let go of the expectations I hold for other people so that I can let go of the disappointment that comes when they don’t meet them because at the end of the day it’s not their fault, it’s mine. There are so many examples of thought patterns that we fall into and behaviors that have become second-nature that deserve a second look and some revamping. So I’m letting all of that go. I’m turning it over to something bigger than me.
But the biggest lesson I’m learning in letting go? Control.
It is finally time that I let go of trying to control everything in my life. I’m a planner- it’s how I have always been. I plan and plan some more. It has never mattered that the plans never work out as intended as long as I had one. I find myself for the first time in my life without a real plan, and it’s been driving me absolutely crazy. This has been the most difficult lesson so far- letting go of the need for a plan and truly trusting.
It’s time I turn my problems over to love, and trust that everything is going to be ok, something I know for sure anyway because it always is. Things ALWAYS work out- without exception. It may not always look the way I thought it would, but that’s part of letting go. I have to let go of how I think things are “supposed” to be, and allow them to be better than I ever imagined. I keep boxing my life into these strict confines of desire and expectation and I am missing the point of living: to embrace all the incredible, amazing, beauty that surrounds me every single minute of every single day. And I don’t just mean in my surroundings because let’s be quite honest- there isn’t much to look at where I am right now, but the beauty that surrounds me because it’s a part of me. If I let go of bitter resentments, judgment, and negativity when it tries to visit, along with all the other things that do not serve me that are within me, all that’s left is love and beauty and I get to carry that with me wherever I go. It’s my choice. Trying to control everything has brought me nothing but pain throughout my entire life. It’s been a huge life lesson for me to learn to let go of the need for a plan and just see where life takes me. To honestly believe that I’m moving in the right direction and that something amazing is going to come out of it. When I finally just let go and allow myself to see what’s around me, it all sorts itself out. I follow what feels right now. I take one day at a time following joy and love wherever it may take me and I have to say, the air I breathe seems just a little bit fresher these days, and I feel freer than I have in a very long time.