Disclaimer: if you don’t like the word “fuck”- stop reading here.
According to that title, some of you may get the impression that I think I’m perfect, or that everything I do is perfect. Quite the contrary, rather I’m a perfectionist- always seeking perfection in the things I do, in my behavior (and of course usually coming up short because that’s the reality of being human). But if any of you are a perfectionist like I am, you know the anxiety that comes with this. The stress of always trying to eat “right”, workout “right”, do everything at work “right”, live “right”, be the perfect partner, the perfect friend, perfect fill-in-the-blank. Well in my last post, I talked about the need to take baby steps in the direction we are wanting to go in order for change to happen, and today I’ve decided that the step I need to take is to just say “Fuck it.”
I have been operating at the highest level possible for a while now, and it’s time to give myself a much needed break.
Today, I am releasing myself of the pressure to be perfect.
So what does that mean? Well, for today, I am done labeling my lifestyle because it may not be true today and that’s ok. Maybe I’ll be vegetarian today instead of vegan, who knows? Maybe I’ll throw myself off the wagon entirely and go bananas with food to the point that I make myself sick. I just don’t know what I’m going to do today, but what I do know is that it doesn’t fucking matter! I get to make my life whatever I want to, and it doesn’t have to come with labels or expectations if I don’t want it to. I don’t owe anyone an explanation, nor do I owe anyone a say in it. Most importantly, I am not going to allow anyone to make me feel bad about it.
Next, I’ve been worried about what I really want to do moving forward in my work. Today, I’m taking that pressure off too because at the end of the day, it doesn’t fucking matter! What matters today is that I feel good about where I am and focus on bringing a smile to my face using what’s at my disposal. I have a good job and today, that’s enough. Today, I don’t have to be seeking fulfillment in everything I do at work. Today, I can just work and leave myself alone about it.
Lastly, I’ve been beating myself up over my inconsistency with working out lately. The truth is, the heat has been killing me. I’m not sleeping well, getting headaches constantly, just feeling downright exhausted with no ability to cool down, so working out? Not happening. Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t feel like passing out before work or getting out of the shower still sweating because I can’t cool down. Maybe that’s just me. Anyway, I’m still active on the weekends when I can be, but I haven’t been doing my usual daily workouts and I have been really hard on myself about it. But today, I don’t get to talk to myself that way. Today, I’m accepting my feelings surrounding the oppressive heat and working out and saying “fuck it.” I know myself and know this is temporary, so I need to cut myself some slack and be kinder while this is going on. Once I get rolling again, it will be like this never happened.
So really, in the long run is this brief period of time really going to matter? Nope. I’m not going to remember that I didn’t eat perfectly for a couple days (ok, maybe a couple weeks…fuck it), or that I didn’t work out consistently for a while (like all summer…fuck it). And that’s good! Because honestly, I shouldn’t remember those things- they don’t matter! If that’s where all of my focus is then I’m living wrong according to my desires regarding the way I want my life to look. What matters is how I make myself feel about it, and I recognize that at the end of the day, that will also be the only thing I really remember. I don’t want all the amazing things I’ve done this summer, and the fun I’ve had checking things off my summer school curriculum list, to be clouded by memories of how awful I made myself feel about trivial, imperfect blips on the radar. I am refusing to make myself feel bad for any of it.
For those that know me, you know how huge this is. For those that don’t know me, I’ll be frank- I’m a very all-or-nothing personality: Go Big or Go Home, ya know? I don’t do things half-way. But it’s time I finally learned how to embrace All-or-Something. I have to remember that doing my best doesn’t look the same every day, but that my best will always be good enough if it means I’m trying.
Something is good enough sometimes, and it’s always better than nothing.
Something in place of all sometimes, is not failure.
And who knows, maybe tomorrow I will wake up and be able to start again with a new level of motivation and conviction, but for today…fuck it.