Three days after my last post, my cousin went into the hospital. A week later she passed away losing a battle with congenital heart failure, a disease that runs in my dad’s side of the family, perpetuating a vicious cycle of people in our family dying much too young. This disease claimed my uncle at 45. My father had his first major heart attack at 36, followed by several more before dying of cancer at the age of 49. My cousin was in her early 50’s. I believed that I had just spent time in deep reflection the prior week, but for some reason, this made me take another hard look at my life, and I realized that there are things I have been brushing over that need to change.

I have worked incredibly hard to be as healthy as I can be knowing my family history. With all that my brain and body have been through, I’ve been really successful at maintaining my health. What I have been ignoring is the increased struggle I have as a result of my stroke. The suggestions made to me to manage my growing neuro-fatigue are to not be overstimulated and prioritize my day around when I have the most energy and work best. Anyone that’s been in education is laughing so hard right now, the same way that I did when I first heard that. These are antithetical to my position as a teacher. Absolutely impossible. So instead, I take days when I need them and complain about my overall lack of energy outside of my job but had mostly resigned myself to believing that’s just the way it has to be. But it doesn’t. I could continue doing what I’m doing and be “ok”, but I don’t want to just be ok anymore. Rather than grumble about it and push through- I’ve decided to change my life instead.

Last year as I was struggling with the energy consumption of my career, I promised myself that if I felt that way this year I would quit. How many times I’ve had that conversation with myself over the last 15 years I have no idea, but this time I have chosen to keep that promise. So, this last week, I submitted my resignation letting my admin and department know that I will not be returning next year. I’m not sure I have ever been so tormented making a decision, and I’m heartbroken. I recognize it doesn’t make sense looking in: yes, I love helping kids. Yes, I believe I’m damn good at my job. Yes, I have great kids, great classes, great colleagues, and am at a great school. But it’s never been about any of that. It’s that it’s killing me, and I have to stop. I have tried every possible thing I can to make this more sustainable for me, and it hasn’t worked. I also know that I can’t be less or do less as an educator. That’s not who I am. I care too much.

I fought with myself over this decision. I didn’t want to let anyone down. Didn’t want to leave the kids I’ve journeyed with and watched grow these past years. And then I realized to stay would be to let myself down. It would mean breaking yet another promise that I’ve made to myself. It would mean draining myself to the last drop and running the risk of having to quit because my body makes me rather than walking away on my own terms. I want a better quality of life, and it’s not going to just appear. I have to do what’s necessary to make it happen.

I have no idea what’s next for me- where I’ll be able to get a job, or where that will put me to live. That’s both terrifying and exciting. Anything is possible, and I am certain it’ll work out as it’s meant to. It always does. It can’t be wrong if I’m doing right by me. I’m just not a fan of so many unknowns. I’m a planner lol. But I did this so that I couldn’t change my mind and get caught up in another cycle which is so easy to do. And I am constantly reminding myself that this is for the best so that I don’t try to take it back. I have fought for this career for the better part of the last 20 years. This isn’t how I wanted it to end. And yet, here we are, so I’ll make the best of it.

I’ll find my way.