It’s that time of year again for some reflection. Though, anyone that knows me knows reflection is a constant state of being for me, but today is the anniversary of my dad’s passing, and that always comes with a certain level of renewed perspective. As I get closer to the age he was when he died, I feel so many conflicting emotions: gratitude for each day, sadness for all the days lost, and even a little fear. This year there is an additional piece as I found out Thursday night that another friend from high school passed away. It turns out that it happened at the beginning of the month, but I found out too late and missed the service. All I’ve thought about since then is legacy.

His passing has hit harder than some of the past; I guess because his was so unexpected- an accident rather than through reckless behaviors or addictions. I’ve said before how tired I’ve grown of getting perspective this way- being constantly reminded of our mortality and the way things can change in an instant. Each time I am left to reflect on my life and wonder if I’ve done enough. Usually that comes in the form of thoughts like “have I done all the things I’ve wanted to?” “Am I living my best life?” Stuff mostly revolving around me personally. This time I’m more curious about what kind of legacy would I be leaving behind? What would the words that come to mind for people about me be? I think of how kind my friend was; he was such a good person. We weren’t close, but anytime we ran into each other, it was always so great catching up. He always brought a warmth to my heart with his welcoming smile and friendliness. I can only hope I’d leave the same thoughts behind in the minds of others.

I’ve tried to grow from mistakes I’ve made and help others with the knowledge I’ve gleaned from all of those experiences. Have I done enough? I have loved so deeply and lost so much- I’ve always kept a wall up to protect myself from other’s feelings and emotions (being an empath is hard) and I recognize that keeping those out also blocks mine in too often. It takes a lot of focused effort to let people know I care. I often wonder if I’ve loved people enough. Do they feel my love for them?

I look around at my life and I see how lucky and fortunate I am in so many ways. But I still have to ask- if this is all there is- is it enough? What would I change? What would I wish I had done? I am flooded with questions that I currently don’t have answers for. I don’t know what’s next, but I know there’s more for me. More experiences to have. More wisdom to develop. More ways to help and love others, including myself. I want love to be my legacy.

If I accomplish nothing else in this lifetime- I hope that’s what people remember about me. They’ll say, “she loved.” And that will be enough.