Last month I had another birthday- one of my best as I spent multiple days over the month catching up with friends and family. It was extended for so long that it took me a while to remember that having a birthday meant I’m a year older. I guess I’ve finally reached that age where I would just prefer to pick one that feels right rather than continue to count up. At first, I felt like I hadn’t accomplished much in the past year, so I sat down to really think about it and quickly put together a list of 20 things I had done- ways I’ve been brave this last year, including today as I celebrate my 7th year being sober. How quickly we forget how we’ve grown.

I like to believe that with age and through bravery comes wisdom, and maybe that’s what I’m continuing to develop, but this time it’s wrapped in a different term…

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance is a conundrum at times. I don’t like to say that I’ve finally come to accept my limitations, but I struggle to find another way to express it. Possibly the biggest growth point of my life thus far is recognizing all the trauma my body and mind have been through in this life and accepting that I will never be who or what I once was. In so many ways that’s the best thing; there are quite a few things about myself and my life I’m happy to leave behind. Yet in other ways there is a substantial amount of grief involved in letting go. I can see the multitude of abilities I took for granted. What I wouldn’t give for another chance now.

I’ve never wanted to use things that have happened to me as an excuse. Never wanted to say I couldn’t do something. Never imagined that they would continue to change me with time and that I would find myself with no choice. Now I can’t tell if I’m projecting that resistance or if it’s judgment I see in the eyes of those I have to set boundaries with. I recognize it doesn’t help that I’ve never let anything slow me down. I’ve pushed myself and run myself to the ground doing things I shouldn’t, so I never had to say no- to prove to them, and more to myself, that I was fine. I have to set boundaries now to keep me healthy. I set them to keep me sane. But with invisible trauma, there is always lurking a sense of skepticism and questioning.

And my new-found acceptance shows me that I can’t afford to care.

The wisdom I’ve gained through these years is that no one will take care of me. It’s my job. If I don’t stand up for myself and my needs, they will go unknown and unaddressed. The pain flares with every conversation I have to have- it hurts me to succumb to the truth sometimes and say out loud to someone that I can’t do something and knowing that I will have to make some big changes to my life soon. But if I don’t, no one will.

I suppose the saying is right that we never stop learning and growing if we are open to the lessons. I welcome that. I love the journey of discovery, experimenting with what feels good and right for me, and always learning new things. I just didn’t expect to continue having growing pains.