I have often asked myself throughout the course of my life what magical quality it is that people possess that allows them to just be happy, as it is something I have always struggled with. And more importantly I ask- why don’t I have it? Why is it never enough? And by “it”, I mean anything. I’m always ok, fine, or whatever other mundane adjective you’d like to use, but rarely am I elated, excited…happy.

It’s a strange dynamic for me. Ask anyone that knows me and they’ll tell you that I’m one of the most positive people you’ll ever meet, and I fight hard to remain that way no matter what- to see the good in everything, and attribute the benefit of the doubt to all situations. I honestly believe the things that I preach: everything works out exactly as it’s meant to, and always for the best; that we do have to accept where we are and revel in all the beauty in order to move forward. I’ve let go of those things that don’t serve me and I do everything that I can to make my life better and continue to grow. I’m doing all the “right” things. So what is the problem?

I am not ungrateful and it should be clear that happiness and contentment are not the same as grateful. I feel tremendous gratitude for what I have in my life. I love my home, I have a wonderful boss, and I’m thankful that I even have a job. But at the end of the day, they aren’t enough for me. Every day I feel like I am wasting my life away. I was never meant to be at a desk and a computer for 8 hours a day, and honestly how people do 8-5 is beyond me. It makes me want to stab myself in the face with something sharp. But looking at the pieces of my existence- there isn’t a single thing “wrong” with my life. Yet if you look into my soul at the way I feel, it’s hard to believe that anything is “right” sometimes. I watch people resign themselves to their lives and they are fine, but I wouldn’t put them in the category of “happy”. Should we be ok with just being ok? Is there something in particular wrong with me that I refuse to just be ok?

Acceptance, resignation, contentment…these are not the same thing as happy. Are we putting too much pressure on ourselves to be happy? I’m starting to question if I even know what that looks like, or if I’m even capable of it in a long-term way. I have felt happiness and excitement and maybe the best I can hope for are those moments, and let go of the expectation that my entire life is supposed to feel that way. Or maybe I really am wasting away and this feeling is my soul’s way of pushing me to do more and seek out something that is better suited to me. I really don’t have the answers right now to these questions; I just know that something has to change. I seek out those moments that fill me up and try to hold on to them for as long as I can, and even more try not to fall too far when the moment is over. I’ll keep following the call of my soul and take the baby steps I can in whatever direction I’m being pulled in and do the best that I can. I’ll keep trying, and I’ll let you know what I find.